Inconceivable

[sorchawench]

It's a hard thing to wrap one's brain around...the knowledge that I am incapable of functioning as an adult in this, most simple of tasks. But there it is, in the harsh light of truth....

I can't do it.

And it's gotten us into a bind. A big one.

I can't pay our mortgage bill. On time. Or at all. I have a mental....block....for all intents and purposes, something in me is terrified of going to the bank and withdrawing the money. I can't fill out the Western Union form. I can't walk up to the teller and send the money to them.

I. Just. Can't.

I have panic attacks just thinking about it. I sit and cry and shake and can't move beyond that point of fear.

I can't set up automatic payments. I have to work up a decent dose of courage just to call them. I cling to my xanax when it's time to dial that number and beg for a way to fix the problem I've gotten us into.

I've tried to explain to my husband that I have this problem, but it's an inconceivable notion to him. I offered up the theory that perhaps I was burned at the stake by mortgage brokers in a past life. I can pay the other bills without much of an issue. Yeah, they may not get paid on the due date, but they get paid. Why I am unable to do this one simple thing is beyond my grasp of knowledge.

I've gotten us into a situation again. I will have to muster up the courage to try and fix it. It will mean tough times and lean wallets for a little bit, but I'm hoping I can get it together.

Hoping.

Comments

[ktdid525.livejournal.com]

:-(

I must say I myself get very anxious about having to talk to our mortgage lenders. They just aren't very nice people.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

I've noticed that. Even though you're trying to make good on a debt, they just don't seem very pleased to talk with you.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

Wow - good luck - that's a terrible feeling to have! Wishing you the best, and deep breaths.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you

[jacq22.livejournal.com]

I would be looking into why this happens, what triggered it, I have a strange and stupid fear, and I know how that came about.
You almost need to do it in stages, or explain how you feel to one of them.
Wishing you luck, not easy!

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

That's one thing my counselor and I are working on, the whys and why it triggers. And I wish we could do the fixing online, but I have to contact them on the phone and speak to them. Thank you for the support.

[jacq22.livejournal.com]

Can it be done on line?

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*offers hugs and hot tea*

I have that trouble with certain things. The worst is phones; it scares me to answer my cell phone. I love texting, and I can answer the phone at work easily, other people's cell phones okay, most land-lines semi-okay although calling out is problematic... but my phone ringing can still trigger panic attacks, even after years of working on it, switching phones, etc. And I have a mental block on remembering my own phone number.

It's a hard thing to face, and I wish you the best of luck in doing so and in taking care of this. :)

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Phones are my second biggest issue. I just don't answer mine unless it's my parents or someone I know well. Thanks for sharing and the support.

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

My mother tends to call from other people's phones. :( She's disabled and I'm her closest-in-location child, so while there are times when I simply *can't*, I do try to answer strange numbers from our area code when I can. Which isn't often....

You're welcome. :)

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

It is very hard to function when fear/phobia leads to the anxiety. It's a vicious cycle. Couldn't your husband relieve you of that task until you can get comfortable with it yourself? I hope your counselor can help you figure it out.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

As soon as I get us back on a repayment plan, he will be taking over the making of payments. He doesn't understand it, but he's willing to help me.

[nodressrehersal.livejournal.com]

Well, think of the courage it took to write this post. That was a very brave thing to do, don'tcha think? I guess you know that not dealing with it is creating more issues and snowballing the situation into something bigger than it started out to be, so hopefully, the steps you're taking will make a difference.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

You see it as courage, I see it as admitting to failure. A friend wrote in his journal something that hit home with me....

the main thing that came out of this one is the discovery that I'd rather be "right" about being a failure than feel good. To whit, I put off doing things (and sometimes make poor choices) because I believe I'm a failure already. By ensuring that I am a failure, I'm reinforcing what I already believe.

That is something I'll have to bring up at my next therapy session I suppose.

[cosmolinguist]

I get panic attacks too and my husband and I both suffer from this kind of "block" on things that need doing. It's awful because it only increases the stress about them, and that makes it even more difficult to get around them.

I'm hoping for you, too. All the best.

[fourzoas.livejournal.com]

I have experienced a milder form of this before, myself--it's really puzzling!

[basric.livejournal.com]

A Christmas wish you beat your phobia. Well written.