Inconceivable

[sorchawench]

It's a hard thing to wrap one's brain around...the knowledge that I am incapable of functioning as an adult in this, most simple of tasks. But there it is, in the harsh light of truth....

I can't do it.

And it's gotten us into a bind. A big one.

I can't pay our mortgage bill. On time. Or at all. I have a mental....block....for all intents and purposes, something in me is terrified of going to the bank and withdrawing the money. I can't fill out the Western Union form. I can't walk up to the teller and send the money to them.

I. Just. Can't.

I have panic attacks just thinking about it. I sit and cry and shake and can't move beyond that point of fear.

I can't set up automatic payments. I have to work up a decent dose of courage just to call them. I cling to my xanax when it's time to dial that number and beg for a way to fix the problem I've gotten us into.

I've tried to explain to my husband that I have this problem, but it's an inconceivable notion to him. I offered up the theory that perhaps I was burned at the stake by mortgage brokers in a past life. I can pay the other bills without much of an issue. Yeah, they may not get paid on the due date, but they get paid. Why I am unable to do this one simple thing is beyond my grasp of knowledge.

I've gotten us into a situation again. I will have to muster up the courage to try and fix it. It will mean tough times and lean wallets for a little bit, but I'm hoping I can get it together.

Hoping.

Comments

[jacq22.livejournal.com]

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