The Monster Under Your Bed

My husband nearly died.

Several times.

He had this thought that he wouldn't live past his late 20's or so.

He suffers from very extreme high-cyclic BiPolar disorder.

~*~

In his younger years, he would be reckless when on his motorcycle. He would drink too much. He took drugs. He took risks that probably could have killed him. But he didn't figure he'd live that long anyway, so...why not take risks?

And then we got together. And we dealt with his ups and downs. The downs were the worst.

I remember at a camping trip, talking him out of suicide. Well, yelling him out really. It was a bad moment, I was angry and scared, and he seemed so serious.

~*~

I remember once, he'd been especially down for a few days. And as he left for work, I had this screaming feeling to not let him leave.

He worked in a prison facility in Texas. And with probing and confrontation, I found out that he had a climber's clip and a length of rope, and was planning on using it to hang himself from the 3rd tier of the prison railing.

I remember that moment when he pulled it out of his jacket. I can't even describe the emotion I felt when I knew we'd been *THIS CLOSE* to losing him.

~*~

He's struggled with suicidal ideation for years. Decades really. He's thought of every way to kill himself that a human can do. He's had scarier moments that I won't...can't discuss here. I can't bring myself to say them. But he's never fully given in.

We've tried what feel like hundreds of medications over the years to try and control his illness. He spent 10 years as a zombie on one regimen of medications, because his Doctor said, "He's not having mood swings. It's working". But he wasn't alive. He was breathing, but he wasn't living. Of course he wasn't having mood swings. He was in a permanent state of depression.

I finally got him to get a second opinion and he's now on a medication regimen that is controlling the emotional mood swings pretty much as well as his last regimen, but he's living again. He's able to feel. He's not a zombie, barely trudging through life.

He still has bad days. He's a chronic insomniac. He has OCD. Medication can't fix everything sometimes.

But he's able to handle stressors that come along. He's working through problems without his first thought about giving up.

~*~

This spring he tore his rotator cuff at work and recently had surgery. We're facing the possibility that he could lose his job soon (long story, and it's just wrong). But even with these stressors, he's not giving in to the depression.

The one thing that has always impressed me is his strength. He's never completely given up. He's accepted help, he's looked for resolutions, he's learned coping skills.

~*~

We've been together for 24 years. And this Halloween, we're getting legally married. Something both of us put off for years for various reasons. His mental issues being one of those.

We're getting married. I've never given up on him. And in the end, he's never given up on himself.

And he's the strongest man I know.




{I let him read this prior to submission and he has given me permission to post it. So no worries that I'm delving into places I shouldn't go ~Wench}