The Monster Under Your Bed

I've been told that I am intimidating. People have admitted that they were afraid to meet me for the first time. I'm told that I'm exuberant, loud, over the top at times. A friend once told me that my sense of self-confidence made her feel..."less-than"...because she doesn't have that same self-esteem/self-confidence that I put forth. People tell me they draw inspiration and strength from *my* strength.

Those people are describing a person with whom I have a very close relationship...but who is not necessarily *me*.

~*~

31 years ago, I was a pretty fucked-in-the-head teenager. Major Depressive Disorder and severe Anxiety Disorder had created an agoraphobic kid who couldn't attend school with other kids in the classroom. My schooling was done after hours, alone. Just me and Mr. Clayton. He did his grading and lesson plans for the elementary kids he taught and I did the packets the jr. high teachers sent to him every week.

I had no friends my age, I played with my younger brother and his friends. I never went to dances or pep rallies, football games or assemblies.

This aloneness was how my life was lived until I found a place where I could recreate myself from that messed up kid to someone who lived life with a sense of power and fun. A medieval recreation group, The Society for Creative Anachronism, gave me a place to create a persona. And I chose Sorcha.

Sorcha is a wench. She's loud and occasionally obnoxious. She laughs, a lot. She tells raunchy jokes. She's confident in ways that Tamara could only dream of. Sorcha didn't care what people thought about her. She was there to have fun, help at events, and make people happy.

In the SCA I found a weird support system that let Tamara take a backseat and let Sorcha run the show. And I cannot express how much of a relief that was. I also made friends. Amusingly enough they were either all far older than I was, or somewhat younger (I apparently had issues with people my own age)...but I had people I could turn to who weren't judging me because of my looks, my self-esteem issues, anxieties, or my actions. People who understood how I worked and supported my growth.

There was a long time where when an occasion came up that I had to be strong, that I had to be confident and approachable, I would put Sorcha on like a suit of armor and *SHE* would handle the situation for me.

~*~

A lot of people don't know it, but they've never met Tamara. Never hung out with Tamara. It's always Sorcha. There is that strong of a separation between the two personalities that if you had stood them side by side, you would never have guessed they came from the same woman.

31 years is a long time. But the line is still there. I've taken to being introduced as Sorcha to a majority of people...and so that is what they call me.

And that is who they know.

Very few people know much about Tamara. Facebook has brought her out some. So people know she is there. She's able to make posts about depression, anxiety, mental health, and other sensitive topics without too much fear. The keyboard and monitor are still very good tools for an agoraphobic.

I think Sorcha eggs her on to do those posts though.

~*~

I've been told that I am intimidating. That I have one of those personalities that is over the top. Fun, wild, and a little scary at times.

Those people are describing Sorcha.

~*~

Kayfabe is the unsaid rule that the wrestlers should stay in character during the show and in public appearances in order to maintain a feeling of reality (albeit suspended) among the fans.

For 31 years, Sorcha has made her public appearances, met new friends, and has been Tamara's lifesaver more than once.

And she will probably continue to do so for another 31 years.

There's been some trouble brewing within the SCA. And I posted about it on my FB, but I wanted to save these, so I'm actually using this thing for once. I need to get back into the habit.

~*~

#IstandwithDavius

When I joined the SCA 31 years ago, I was pretty innocent and naive. Here was a group that promised me chivalry, enchantment, a lot of fun...and yes, a Victorianized dream of King Arthur...but for a troubled kid, it was just what I needed to fight the demons I couldn't explain or control at that age.

As I grew, I noticed the bad within the organization. I'm not a complete idiot. Every group has good and bad. Despite the bad, I never lost the Dream of living as the persona I had created. Someone who DID believe in Chivalry. Someone who DID believe in Honor.

When I saw the bad, I did what I could to fix it. I did what I could to bolster the good. When I couldn't *do* anything about it, I made MY game better by taking those qualities that I admired and lived them BIGGER.

31 years is a long time to do anything. 31 years brings a more clear view of what *BAD* is, and what *GOOD* is. Bad isn't just inter-game politics. In the grand scheme of things, the things that I thought were bad were mere speed bumps compared to what I have seen in the past couple of years.

From unclear harassment policies to very poorly chosen garb, to current issues within the SCA...I am learning, am seeing more clearly what bad can actually be.

I have read several posts and comments about people choosing to quit the SCA due to the drama. Due to the issues of racism, religious and sexual harassment and policies, and overall trouble when you mix multi-class people in a group...especially one that is essentially based *on drama*.

I am also seeing what good can be. People standing up for what they believe is right. People choosing to do honorable things, when others have not. And a sense of chivalry and nobility in some, when faced with adversity.

I have seen preferential treatment. I have seen good people being overlooked for good works. And I have seen even darker sides.

Despite knowing that the bad is bigger than I knew 31 years ago, despite knowing that I am not a Peer....just a small fish in a very big ocean, despite the fact that my corner of the SCA world is very isolated...

I am not giving up. I am not quitting. I will not let the dreams of a 13-year-old girl be crushed by the wrongdoings of people with more power and rank than myself.

The SCA is more than a game for me. It has been my friend for 31 years. My escape, my safe place to be me, my chosen family. All I can do and will do is take those Noble Virtues and do my best to be a beacon of good against the darkness that threatens my home.

If you are one of those who is thinking about quitting, I ask that you examine that decision closely. For every bad, how many goods have there been? For every argument, how many jokes with friends? For every moment of darkness, how many campfires and torches to light your way?

If you want to quit, then bless your road. But if you are sad to see the SCA go, then I encourage you to take up those things that made this YOUR Dream and put them out there.

Be a voice. Be a change.

~*~

The Crown stands in defense of the Kingdom. It's Knights stand as one, ready to fight. The Masters of Defense and the Dons stand ready with weapons drawn. The fighters of the Kingdom, whether belted or scarved, are arm in arm, a shield wall against wrong.

At the gate stands the Hospitaler. We hold the torch, welcoming the new into our Halls. We stand to watch over the populace, watching as our brethren show our newcomers the ways of the SCA.

Sometimes clouds threaten our home. Arguments, dissent, anger, injustice rise up from time to time. And everyone is affected. Some stand against those times, defending what is good. Some choose to walk away.

I cannot speak to the martial side of the SCA, but as a Hospitaler, it's my job to make sure that the SCA becomes a home for my newcomers. And I take that position very seriously. I stand watch over these situations, and I fight for what is good and right....so my newcomers never have to face situations like this, or are well armed and prepared to fight for future troubles.

Once again, clouds have been seen. And controversy and injustice have raised their heads to create strife. As I stand with my newcomers, some of whom have doubts and concerns, I show them the people who draw together to raise their voices against the wrongs. I show them the honor and nobility of those who fight for something they believe is good.

I can only hope to foster the flame that brought them to us in the first place. It's up to the rest of us to fan those flames higher. We talk about retention, we talk about growth, we talk about new blood in an aging Society.

We need to make sure we're showing them the definition of Courage, Honor, and Nobility. From Crown to minor Nobles.

We need to make sure we're making the SCA a safe place to call home.