"It's hard to beat a person who never gives up"

[sorchawench]

My husband nearly died.

Several times.

He had this thought that he wouldn't live past his late 20's or so.

He suffers from very extreme high-cyclic BiPolar disorder.

~*~

In his younger years, he would be reckless when on his motorcycle. He would drink too much. He took drugs. He took risks that probably could have killed him. But he didn't figure he'd live that long anyway, so...why not take risks?

And then we got together. And we dealt with his ups and downs. The downs were the worst.

I remember at a camping trip, talking him out of suicide. Well, yelling him out really. It was a bad moment, I was angry and scared, and he seemed so serious.

~*~

I remember once, he'd been especially down for a few days. And as he left for work, I had this screaming feeling to not let him leave.

He worked in a prison facility in Texas. And with probing and confrontation, I found out that he had a climber's clip and a length of rope, and was planning on using it to hang himself from the 3rd tier of the prison railing.

I remember that moment when he pulled it out of his jacket. I can't even describe the emotion I felt when I knew we'd been *THIS CLOSE* to losing him.

~*~

He's struggled with suicidal ideation for years. Decades really. He's thought of every way to kill himself that a human can do. He's had scarier moments that I won't...can't discuss here. I can't bring myself to say them. But he's never fully given in.

We've tried what feel like hundreds of medications over the years to try and control his illness. He spent 10 years as a zombie on one regimen of medications, because his Doctor said, "He's not having mood swings. It's working". But he wasn't alive. He was breathing, but he wasn't living. Of course he wasn't having mood swings. He was in a permanent state of depression.

I finally got him to get a second opinion and he's now on a medication regimen that is controlling the emotional mood swings pretty much as well as his last regimen, but he's living again. He's able to feel. He's not a zombie, barely trudging through life.

He still has bad days. He's a chronic insomniac. He has OCD. Medication can't fix everything sometimes.

But he's able to handle stressors that come along. He's working through problems without his first thought about giving up.

~*~

This spring he tore his rotator cuff at work and recently had surgery. We're facing the possibility that he could lose his job soon (long story, and it's just wrong). But even with these stressors, he's not giving in to the depression.

The one thing that has always impressed me is his strength. He's never completely given up. He's accepted help, he's looked for resolutions, he's learned coping skills.

~*~

We've been together for 24 years. And this Halloween, we're getting legally married. Something both of us put off for years for various reasons. His mental issues being one of those.

We're getting married. I've never given up on him. And in the end, he's never given up on himself.

And he's the strongest man I know.




{I let him read this prior to submission and he has given me permission to post it. So no worries that I'm delving into places I shouldn't go ~Wench}

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

Hugs and congrats!

[sorchawench]

Thank you! It seems a little silly, after being together for 24 years, and we're just doing a simple JP ceremony. But I get a little SQUEEE that I get to marry my best friend.

[fausts_dream]

Awesome. I too take meds and it can be a crapshoot finding what works for you. Congrats to both.

[sorchawench]

Medication roulette. Fun times.

Thank you.

[sonreir]

Congratulations on the upcoming marriage!

Loving someone with mental illness a rollercoaster. You write about it well.

[sorchawench]

I know what he goes through, to some extent. I have Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety, so I know where he's coming from.

Thank you for the congrats!

[rayaso]

Congratulations on the marriage, but also on the 24 years. It's a long time to be together, and having him be bipolar must have been so difficult. I'm glad he's on better medication.

[sorchawench]

Thank you. 24 years has been a long time. But, as I posted on FB a few days ago, 24 years and forever to go...

[the_eternal_overthinker]

Awesome :) 24 years of togetherness is superb! I am glad he's got you <3 Well written. *Hugs*

[sorchawench]

Thank you!

[bleodswean]

Oh, congratulations! This was a difficult read. Your pain and commitment come through loud and clear. A deep and true love!

[sorchawench]

Thank you for the congrats. I'm excited that we're finally doing it! I told him the other night that after 24 years, we probably should be *committed*.

[thephantomq]

It's hard, sometimes, watching someone you love struggle with the weight of the world on their shoulders. I'm glad he's finding better medication combinations. I'm sorry, though, that you both have been through so much and I'm glad he never gave in entirely.

[sorchawench]

Thank you

[murielle]

The definition of bravery is going on, going through with it even when you're afraid.

Here's to two of the bravest people--ever!

[sorchawench]

Thank you!

[troof_therry]

So glad to see you back in this competition again. This is really great writing about the back and forth of your husband's situation, but it's really great that he hasn't given up. Also, congrats on the getting married!

[sorchawench]

There you are! I hadn't had a chance to check and see if you were playing this season! <3

[tatdatcm]

What a story of strength on both your parts to fight and not give up on each other.

Congrats on 24 years and marriage!

[sorchawench]

Thank you! I can't speak for him, but I'm too stubborn to quit I guess.

[bewize]

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! It sounds like you both have incredible inner strength.

[sorchawench]

Thank you! I don't know if we're strong or just really stubborn. ;-)

[moretta]

Very thoughtful to run it past him. Makes me feel better about it. Suicidal ideation is a difficult topic, buy it is so intrinsically linked with long periods of depression, and so many mental health issues that I think we should more often.
I'm glad you both have a wonderful day to look forward to soon, surrounded by the people you love and each other.

[sorchawench]

I did think about posting it, without running it past him. But, it's his story, I'm just the wordsmith, so I knew I HAD to have his approval to post it.

Now we're looking forward to Halloween!

[halfshellvenus]

Oh, my. That day with the rope... how utterly terrifying.

I'm so glad he's had the strength to keep going-- especially now that he's happier-- and that you've been there to help him and to love him through the hard times and to celebrate the good ones.

[sorchawench]

I was terrified that day, and for several after until we got him stabilized again.

But, I am so blessed to have Halloween to look forward to.