Inconceivable

[sorchawench]

It's a hard thing to wrap one's brain around...the knowledge that I am incapable of functioning as an adult in this, most simple of tasks. But there it is, in the harsh light of truth....

I can't do it.

And it's gotten us into a bind. A big one.

I can't pay our mortgage bill. On time. Or at all. I have a mental....block....for all intents and purposes, something in me is terrified of going to the bank and withdrawing the money. I can't fill out the Western Union form. I can't walk up to the teller and send the money to them.

I. Just. Can't.

I have panic attacks just thinking about it. I sit and cry and shake and can't move beyond that point of fear.

I can't set up automatic payments. I have to work up a decent dose of courage just to call them. I cling to my xanax when it's time to dial that number and beg for a way to fix the problem I've gotten us into.

I've tried to explain to my husband that I have this problem, but it's an inconceivable notion to him. I offered up the theory that perhaps I was burned at the stake by mortgage brokers in a past life. I can pay the other bills without much of an issue. Yeah, they may not get paid on the due date, but they get paid. Why I am unable to do this one simple thing is beyond my grasp of knowledge.

I've gotten us into a situation again. I will have to muster up the courage to try and fix it. It will mean tough times and lean wallets for a little bit, but I'm hoping I can get it together.

Hoping.

Comments

[nodressrehersal.livejournal.com]

Well, think of the courage it took to write this post. That was a very brave thing to do, don'tcha think? I guess you know that not dealing with it is creating more issues and snowballing the situation into something bigger than it started out to be, so hopefully, the steps you're taking will make a difference.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

You see it as courage, I see it as admitting to failure. A friend wrote in his journal something that hit home with me....

the main thing that came out of this one is the discovery that I'd rather be "right" about being a failure than feel good. To whit, I put off doing things (and sometimes make poor choices) because I believe I'm a failure already. By ensuring that I am a failure, I'm reinforcing what I already believe.

That is something I'll have to bring up at my next therapy session I suppose.