Week 29: Gauntlet
Nov. 25th, 2014 07:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorchawenchThe hall is always dark and damp when she runs the gauntlet. She runs in terror, fleeing an unknown danger. Her heart pounding, blood rushing, till all she can hear is the rapid beat of that heart in her ears. If she ever stopped, there would be the steady drip, drip, drip from unseen pipes somewhere above her head.
But she never stops.
Never looks back over her shoulder. She doesn't want to know where the monster is. Never stops running.
Somewhere along the way it changes. Shining in the darkness, silver and cold....the blade is always single edged and sharp.
She'd rather die this way than be taken by the monster that pursues her.
She grasps the blade with one hand and slices at her wrist calmly. There is no pain, she's beyond that point of physical connection. Detached. She can see the red line follow the tip of the blade before it wells up and weeps red tears across pale skin.
~*~
This is the shit my brain comes up with when I am in a depressive cycle.
It is not active suicidal ideation, but the workings of an overwrought thought process. Or so the experts tell me. There is concern for these thoughts, yes. But not the poorly concealed panic that one sees when one tells their Doctor they want to die. And so we sit and talk, change medications perhaps, set goals, make sure support systems are in place, and make future appointments.
Today I had one such appointment. My scheduled 15 minutes went into half an hour. Than passed that mark as we discussed what the best options for me were.
We've decided on a medication change. When you live with depression or another mental illness, your life revolves around medication changes. You take medicine X until it no longer seems to be working for you, and they develop medication Y. You just deal with the side effects.
Today I learned that nausea and vomiting are going to be mine, for up to two weeks possibly.
When your own mind is trying to kill you, you learn to keep running, never stopping. You learn to live with side effects. The other options are too dire.
But she never stops.
Never looks back over her shoulder. She doesn't want to know where the monster is. Never stops running.
Somewhere along the way it changes. Shining in the darkness, silver and cold....the blade is always single edged and sharp.
She'd rather die this way than be taken by the monster that pursues her.
She grasps the blade with one hand and slices at her wrist calmly. There is no pain, she's beyond that point of physical connection. Detached. She can see the red line follow the tip of the blade before it wells up and weeps red tears across pale skin.
~*~
This is the shit my brain comes up with when I am in a depressive cycle.
It is not active suicidal ideation, but the workings of an overwrought thought process. Or so the experts tell me. There is concern for these thoughts, yes. But not the poorly concealed panic that one sees when one tells their Doctor they want to die. And so we sit and talk, change medications perhaps, set goals, make sure support systems are in place, and make future appointments.
Today I had one such appointment. My scheduled 15 minutes went into half an hour. Than passed that mark as we discussed what the best options for me were.
We've decided on a medication change. When you live with depression or another mental illness, your life revolves around medication changes. You take medicine X until it no longer seems to be working for you, and they develop medication Y. You just deal with the side effects.
Today I learned that nausea and vomiting are going to be mine, for up to two weeks possibly.
When your own mind is trying to kill you, you learn to keep running, never stopping. You learn to live with side effects. The other options are too dire.
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no subject
on 2014-11-26 05:28 am (UTC)no subject
on 2014-11-27 05:47 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-11-26 07:59 am (UTC)I am nobody, really, but I hope that the things you're going through find a resolution soon--and not the kind that provokes nausea and vomiting as a matter of course.
no subject
on 2014-11-27 05:48 pm (UTC)Thank you for your kind words.
no subject
on 2014-11-26 06:29 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-11-27 05:48 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-11-26 07:30 pm (UTC)I understand exactly how Never feels. I spent the summer like this. My current medication tweak seems to be working, finally.
no subject
on 2014-11-27 05:49 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-11-27 01:36 am (UTC)no subject
on 2014-11-27 05:49 pm (UTC)Sorry
on 2014-11-27 05:57 pm (UTC)Re: Sorry
on 2014-11-27 06:13 pm (UTC)True
on 2014-11-27 01:54 am (UTC)Re: True
on 2014-11-27 05:49 pm (UTC)Re: True
on 2014-11-27 06:15 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-11-28 09:12 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-11-30 11:05 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-11-30 03:16 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-11-30 11:05 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-11-30 07:00 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-11-30 11:05 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-12-01 02:02 am (UTC)no subject
on 2014-12-01 04:19 am (UTC)no subject
on 2014-12-01 04:24 am (UTC)no subject
on 2014-12-02 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-12-01 05:52 am (UTC)I'm still depressed, but for a year or two now I've been doing well enough to manage without medication. Finding the right meds in the first place, and sticking to them long enough to heal, was an indispensable part of getting here. I hope you have similar success with your new treatment!
no subject
on 2014-12-02 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-12-01 06:06 am (UTC)I hope your change goes well.
no subject
on 2014-12-02 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-12-01 07:01 am (UTC)It sounds as if you might have a more anxiety-tinged depression, and some medications make that worse and not better. Each patient may react differently, but this kind of knowledge can help.
I'm glad you've found a way to combat the side-effects of your current meds.
no subject
on 2014-12-02 05:57 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-12-02 12:47 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2014-12-02 10:47 pm (UTC)Hopefully they find the right meds for you, soon.