LJ Idol Week 2, Topic: The Missing Stair

[sorchawench]

"Your mother is dead"

My father was so quiet, so flat, so matter of fact that I didn't think I'd heard him correctly. I made him repeat himself.

"Your mother is dead"

He went on to explain that he'd gone to get her up for breakfast that morning, and found her, in bed......gone.

But I only half heard the rest of it. My mind was looping his words, stumbling over the horrible truth that they meant.

For 44 years they were married. For 20 some odd years after her MS diagnosis, he cared for her; cooking her meals, bathing her when needed, helping to change her clothes when she became incontinent.

Each day had a series of motions to go through, a set of steps to be counted. Each day was a never ending stairwell that he would climb to make sure she was cared for and happy.

No one had prepared us for the day that a stair went missing.

And, as with a missing stair, we all tumbled to the ground....suddenly unsure of what had happened, but each acutely aware that our confidence in what was normal was now shaken to the core.

They tell me that it was shock, but I went through some sort of disassociation that day. The major SCA event I was in charge of started *that* afternoon. Somehow I put the truth into a box and tucked it away, pulled myself together, and worked the event.

People told me to go home, that the event would be okay, that I needed to grieve.

But I stayed.

I'd tripped on that suddenly missing stair, and was clinging to anything that provided stability, a sense of familiarity, and perhaps even a little bit of fantasy.....so I wouldn't have to examine that stairwell.

It's been 7 months now, since the stair went missing and we all fell down. I've watched my father try and find his way, now that his normal is gone. It's been a hard 7 months for all of us.

We don't talk about that day with Dad. He's firmly going on with life like nothing's changed.

But part of me remembers the feeling of falling, dark and eternal.

I would give anything not to know that feeling.

Comments

[lilmissmagic71.livejournal.com]

Very moving... heartwrenching take on the topic. I, too, have submerged myself in the SCA in times of great need... I often remarked when I was seneschal of a group in Meridies that the SCA is like superglue to broken people. *hug* Great job on your entry... and my deepest condolences to your family.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you. The SCA has been my lifeline at times. Even if they all thought I was insane for being there.

[x-disturbed-x.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Very emotional and heartbreaking. It makes me think of my grandma and even after three years it's still hard for her.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I know it's been hard for him especially. My condolences to your family as well.

[shay-writes.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you

[i-will-not-say.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

This was a very touching story.

I'm sorry you had to learn that feeling of falling. :(

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I was lucky to have a great extended family to help catch me that weekend.

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never lost a parent, so can't fully relate. Still, i know what it feels like to lose someone you love. Take care of yourself as best you can, and keep writing.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you. My therapist fully supports my continued writing efforts.....so there may be more, depending on the topic.

[surpanakhalives.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your loss... This was very moving.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the condolences & review. I was a little nervous about using it for the topic.

[jocosa]

Well written, but that photo.. :( My heart ached looking at it.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I hear ya about the photo. When my brother sent it to me, I had to go have a good cry.

[elledanger.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss and offer you and your family my deepest sympathies.

Grief affects people in the strangest of ways and at the oddest of times.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm odd enough that for me, going to the event didn't feel out of character.

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

*silent condolences*

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you

[crazypuce.livejournal.com]

Very intense.
*hugs*

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much.

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

Sometimes it can be a relief to have something familiar to take your mind off of a tragedy like this, but the grief has to come out somehow. I hope you and your family is okay, especially your dad. <3

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It's getting better, slowly. We weren't expecting her to go, so it was a huge shock.

[kehlen-crow.livejournal.com]

I am sorry for your loss.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much

[alifetolove.livejournal.com]

A masterful take on the topic, notwithstanding the sad reality it describes. When I first read this week's topic I spent much time thinking about it in terms of a "missing link," a "missing step". I wound up going for something far more concrete, but you managed to capture my earlier thoughts.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

I tried several different ideas, but kept getting redirected back to this one, even though I was a little nervous about using it. Thank you for the review.

[kittenboo.livejournal.com]

My thoughts are with you.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Time heals. I am better than I was 7 months ago, and not as well as I will be down the road. Thank you.

[kagomeshuko.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is very sad, but a great entry. Both my parents have passed away and they both went through illnesses, my mother's more severe as in terms of needing care, than my father's. I hope you like my entry.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

I am sorry for your loss of your parents. Thank you for taking the time to read though.

[uncawes.livejournal.com]

Wow, this one struck a chord with me and my mum's death.
From personal experience, putting your grief in the box and doing the SCA event was probably the best choice you've ever made.
Well written piece, I hope your dad can move on with his life. He sounds like a great guy

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the read. Dad is driving me slightly crazy at times, but I think with time, will get himself sorted out. He is an amazing man.

[swirlsofblue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* heartbreaking, well written

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you

[tsuki-no-bara.livejournal.com]

that photo is heartbreaking. i'm so sorry for your loss. you wrote about it beautifully, but ouch.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

My brother took it this past weekend, after I had started writing. When he sent it to me, I knew that it needed to go with my post. Thank you.

[adoptedwriter.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my aunt in. November. It's weird and such a lost feeling. Hugs. AW

PS. Gotta say.....that's such a cute icon! I used to have a pet mouse.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

It is a strange feeling isn't it?

And thanks! I love all things mouse!

[seakittym.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for sharing such a huge piece of your life. I can't even imagine what that must have been like for your family. Very beautifully written.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the review and the condolences. I appreciate them both!

[goldmourn.livejournal.com]

So moving. & i'm so sorry...

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Even after a few years there are days when it still feels that way. Good work of the prompt.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

I can imagine that there will be many days ahead like that. Thank you for the review.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

Sending you hugs and condolences. ♥

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much.

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

What a heartbreaking story, and that picture at the end just makes it moreso.

The shock you described-- clinging to anything familiar, routine, fixed-- is so poorly understood but is such a human reaction. The world has crumbled, and sometimes all you can do is grab onto something that still floats while you figure out what to do next.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much.

[basric.livejournal.com]

Very touching. I hope you all find peace without her and acceptance.