sorchawench (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sorchawench) wrote2018-11-06 01:19 pm
sorchawench) wrote2018-11-06 01:19 pm
Entry tags:
DW IDOL WEEK #5: Kayfabe
I've been told that I am intimidating. People have admitted that they were afraid to meet me for the first time. I'm told that I'm exuberant, loud, over the top at times. A friend once told me that my sense of self-confidence made her feel..."less-than"...because she doesn't have that same self-esteem/self-confidence that I put forth. People tell me they draw inspiration and strength from *my* strength.
Those people are describing a person with whom I have a very close relationship...but who is not necessarily *me*.
~*~
31 years ago, I was a pretty fucked-in-the-head teenager. Major Depressive Disorder and severe Anxiety Disorder had created an agoraphobic kid who couldn't attend school with other kids in the classroom. My schooling was done after hours, alone. Just me and Mr. Clayton. He did his grading and lesson plans for the elementary kids he taught and I did the packets the jr. high teachers sent to him every week.
I had no friends my age, I played with my younger brother and his friends. I never went to dances or pep rallies, football games or assemblies.
This aloneness was how my life was lived until I found a place where I could recreate myself from that messed up kid to someone who lived life with a sense of power and fun. A medieval recreation group, The Society for Creative Anachronism, gave me a place to create a persona. And I chose Sorcha.
Sorcha is a wench. She's loud and occasionally obnoxious. She laughs, a lot. She tells raunchy jokes. She's confident in ways that Tamara could only dream of. Sorcha didn't care what people thought about her. She was there to have fun, help at events, and make people happy.
In the SCA I found a weird support system that let Tamara take a backseat and let Sorcha run the show. And I cannot express how much of a relief that was. I also made friends. Amusingly enough they were either all far older than I was, or somewhat younger (I apparently had issues with people my own age)...but I had people I could turn to who weren't judging me because of my looks, my self-esteem issues, anxieties, or my actions. People who understood how I worked and supported my growth.
There was a long time where when an occasion came up that I had to be strong, that I had to be confident and approachable, I would put Sorcha on like a suit of armor and *SHE* would handle the situation for me.
~*~
A lot of people don't know it, but they've never met Tamara. Never hung out with Tamara. It's always Sorcha. There is that strong of a separation between the two personalities that if you had stood them side by side, you would never have guessed they came from the same woman.
31 years is a long time. But the line is still there. I've taken to being introduced as Sorcha to a majority of people...and so that is what they call me.
And that is who they know.
Very few people know much about Tamara. Facebook has brought her out some. So people know she is there. She's able to make posts about depression, anxiety, mental health, and other sensitive topics without too much fear. The keyboard and monitor are still very good tools for an agoraphobic.
I think Sorcha eggs her on to do those posts though.
~*~
I've been told that I am intimidating. That I have one of those personalities that is over the top. Fun, wild, and a little scary at times.
Those people are describing Sorcha.
~*~
Kayfabe is the unsaid rule that the wrestlers should stay in character during the show and in public appearances in order to maintain a feeling of reality (albeit suspended) among the fans.
For 31 years, Sorcha has made her public appearances, met new friends, and has been Tamara's lifesaver more than once.
And she will probably continue to do so for another 31 years.
Those people are describing a person with whom I have a very close relationship...but who is not necessarily *me*.
~*~
31 years ago, I was a pretty fucked-in-the-head teenager. Major Depressive Disorder and severe Anxiety Disorder had created an agoraphobic kid who couldn't attend school with other kids in the classroom. My schooling was done after hours, alone. Just me and Mr. Clayton. He did his grading and lesson plans for the elementary kids he taught and I did the packets the jr. high teachers sent to him every week.
I had no friends my age, I played with my younger brother and his friends. I never went to dances or pep rallies, football games or assemblies.
This aloneness was how my life was lived until I found a place where I could recreate myself from that messed up kid to someone who lived life with a sense of power and fun. A medieval recreation group, The Society for Creative Anachronism, gave me a place to create a persona. And I chose Sorcha.
Sorcha is a wench. She's loud and occasionally obnoxious. She laughs, a lot. She tells raunchy jokes. She's confident in ways that Tamara could only dream of. Sorcha didn't care what people thought about her. She was there to have fun, help at events, and make people happy.
In the SCA I found a weird support system that let Tamara take a backseat and let Sorcha run the show. And I cannot express how much of a relief that was. I also made friends. Amusingly enough they were either all far older than I was, or somewhat younger (I apparently had issues with people my own age)...but I had people I could turn to who weren't judging me because of my looks, my self-esteem issues, anxieties, or my actions. People who understood how I worked and supported my growth.
There was a long time where when an occasion came up that I had to be strong, that I had to be confident and approachable, I would put Sorcha on like a suit of armor and *SHE* would handle the situation for me.
~*~
A lot of people don't know it, but they've never met Tamara. Never hung out with Tamara. It's always Sorcha. There is that strong of a separation between the two personalities that if you had stood them side by side, you would never have guessed they came from the same woman.
31 years is a long time. But the line is still there. I've taken to being introduced as Sorcha to a majority of people...and so that is what they call me.
And that is who they know.
Very few people know much about Tamara. Facebook has brought her out some. So people know she is there. She's able to make posts about depression, anxiety, mental health, and other sensitive topics without too much fear. The keyboard and monitor are still very good tools for an agoraphobic.
I think Sorcha eggs her on to do those posts though.
~*~
I've been told that I am intimidating. That I have one of those personalities that is over the top. Fun, wild, and a little scary at times.
Those people are describing Sorcha.
~*~
Kayfabe is the unsaid rule that the wrestlers should stay in character during the show and in public appearances in order to maintain a feeling of reality (albeit suspended) among the fans.
For 31 years, Sorcha has made her public appearances, met new friends, and has been Tamara's lifesaver more than once.
And she will probably continue to do so for another 31 years.
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It is for you to decide if Sorcha helps or hinders you more, and when you need to be her and when Tamara. :)
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It's interesting how the concept of You/Not-you works. My therapist finds it amazing to discuss.
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THAT being said, I think everyone has the public persona, the intimate persona, the out at the store persona... all that. It's a good defense. I don't know anyone who doesn't do that, despite what that person may tell me. However, finding out who you can be, and happily so, through the SCA? I think that's awesome. I think that IS you; it just doesn't have to be all the time. And I'm glad that ability has kept you mentally intact (and that it's not from something damning, like abuse, because seriously, my brain started going down some DARK roads on your behalf).
This tells a very good, and very important, part of your life. I'm glad you could share it. <3
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I will remain forever thankful that the SCA gave me the chance to find that part of myself. Something that grew from a positive place, even though she protects me from some of the darker things in my life.
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It can be very freeing to act a part, and sometimes it becomes a case of "fake it 'til you make it." Here, even if sorcha is still very distinct from Tamara, she is familiar and easily accessed, and sometimes she comes in very handy. :)
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Thank you for sharing this with us.
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Otherwise, we wouldn't have met, and that would have been sad.
*Hugs*