sorchawench: (Mouse)
[personal profile] sorchawench
(Names have been changed to protect the questionably innocent)

~*~

Brushback Pitch: An inside, usually high fastball intended to force the batter to move away from the plate.

There's going to be some back story to this post, but it's going to be necessary for the topic. I only hope I don't bore you to death!

~*~

I am a member of the SCA (The Society for Creative Anachronism). It's a historical reenactment group, focusing on the middle ages. I've been in it for almost 29 years now....so I guess you could say that I'm slightly committed.

In the SCA, you have the opportunity to form some very close friendships with people you'd never give a second look at, on the streets.

Sometimes those friendships get very close.

There's a quote by Oliver Hudson, "Blood relatives often have nothing to do with family, and similarly, family is about who you choose to make your life with."

This can be exceptionally true in the SCA.

In the SCA, groups are broken down from Kingdoms to Baronies to Shires and so forth. The Kingdom encompasses all of the individual groups, which are classified by population numbers.

You tend to form very close relationships with the people in your group.

But it goes beyond that. Sometimes you'll meet a group of people who share your ideals, your morals, your weirdness. It's THESE people who become *FAMILY*.

In the SCA we call these groups Households.

I have such a family. Two actually. Although, the lines between the two have become so intermingled over the years, it's hard to tell where one begins and the other one ends.

My original family, my sisters, became a huge part of my teen years in the SCA. We were all underage, exploring our new found powers of being women, and frankly....got ourselves into some difficult situations.

So, we banded together and formed House Anthrax....based off of Monty Python's Holy Grail movie.

We were still exploring our power, but now we had backup. A safe zone. My sisters entrusted me with the task of being the Matriarch of the House.

We had various goals with our House. We were all wenches, in persona, and we were quite good at it. But we also loved the SCA, and we believed that you could improve your experience if you helped improve someone else's. So, we were volunteers. We did everything. Set up, break down, serving feasts, helping wherever we could.

And, at the heart of it all....we were together. Family.

Over the years we've had our share of issues. You try putting 9 or more teen girls together and NOT have a squabble. But, they have always been resolved, and we learn to love each other for our differences as well as our shared identity.

~*~

But, the other day I had an issue. One of my sisters, C, became embroiled in an argument with another friend of mine on FB. It didn't end well.

I'm not just focusing on the things she did wrong during this argument, but acknowledge that they were BOTH stubborn asses and someone with some common sense should have stepped in and told them both to knock it off before it got dirty.

Unfortunately, the dirty part of this argument happened at 5:30 in the morning....and I am NEVER willingly awake at that hour.

So, when I did get up I saw the disaster, and I saw my sister's messages to me. During the argument (that neither of them would drop), my friend DG called her a twat. A fucking dumbass twat, to be exact.

In the beginning of this argument, I had told them both to keep it civil.....but C is passionate about her politics, and has a need to be right. And early in the argument, my friend DG told her to fuck off.

And that's where it should have stopped. But....as I said...stubborn asses.

So....after almost 2 hours of back and forth arguing....he called her a twat.

~*~

Her messages to me that morning were adamant that I should call him out publicly for using such language, especially to a woman.

I was tired. And a little pissed at both of them for being idiots.

And yes, I messaged him and told him that I wasn't going to put up with "twat" on my FB. But I chose not to rehash a pointless argument and make a public post about it.

I also messaged her. And I explained why I wasn't going to make a public post, calling and singling him out.

This did not make her very happy. She got immensely angry with me. And while I tried to explain my situation, she only got angrier.

She accused me of calling her out, publicly....when the only comment I had made on the entire thread was that she had made a wrong assumption about DG.

She said I crossed a line for that one comment and said that I was basically biased if I wasn't going to do the same to my other friends.

I tried pointing out that I *hadn't* called her out. And online arguments are usually circular and pointless, especially when someone gets truly angry. People shut down, stop listening. Brick wall.

And, perhaps it wasn't the best timing, I pointed out that if she was going to get THIS angry about someone calling her a dirty name on the internet.....well.....I foresaw a lot of problems in her future.

~*~

That's when she threw the pitch.

I wasn't expecting it. I didn't see the angle of the stance she was taking. She punched the ball in her glove a time or two, took a long hard look at me, standing on the plate, waiting, and she threw the ball....

"I'm done trying to make amends. I'm done trying to get you to understand where I was coming from. I am done being your sister.

I'll treat you like your shitty ass friend DG treated me. Fuck off, bitch"


~*~

Now....we've all probably Googled what a Brushback Pitch is. Gary is good at throwing topics at us that make us go....."What?!?!".

Google basically told me that a Brushback Pitch is a pitch aimed close to the body so that the batter must step back to avoid it.

And boy, howdy....did she ever throw a winner.

~*~

I've known C for YEARS. We've had many an adventure together. I've been her support through a recent separation from her husband.

We've discussed her tendency to react to something emotional instead of analyzing and looking at the options available.

Instead, she followed, true to her nature, unfriended me, left the Household FB group, and I'm guessing, washed her hands of me, the House, and everything.

To say that I wasn't ready for THAT pitch would be an understatement. You don't expect behavior like that from *FAMILY*.

~*~

In baseball a brushback can be an effective part of pitching. It can help the pitcher to "reclaim" the corners of the strike zone by forcing the batter to stand farther away.

But, the home plate umpire may warn or eject a pitcher he feels is intentionally trying to hit a batter.

I really wish I'd had a home plate umpire that day. Because she didn't pitch to "reclaim" the corners.

With her parting shot, she intentionally threw to hit the batter.

I've shared this news with the Household. I have tried very hard to NOT make this look like it's all C's fault.

Faults were made by all.

I've spoken personally to a couple of the sisters who have been in the House for a very long time. And they pretty much agree that the best idea is to give her time and space. To calm down. To rethink her actions.

And then we'll see what happens.

And, I agree. It is the best choice. And, I'd like to think of myself as a pretty easy going, forgiving person. But I'm having some trouble with this. Her parting shot....that pitch...was intended on hitting me in a very personal way.

And, it did.

I may need as much time as she does to come to a point of acceptance.....and maybe forgiveness.

But, I'm not sure if I can.

~*~

I'm also questioning my position as head of the House. I'm the voice of reason. The one they come to when they need advice, or a shoulder, or a sympathetic ear.

This has made me question whether or not I should be that person.

One of our pledges told me the other day that I am one of the women she sees as a role model. I'm strong, independent, kind, and caring.

But....this week....I just don't feel like that person.

Date: 2016-12-13 02:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rayaso.livejournal.com
I really liked the way you worked this in with the prompt. It fit very nicely. So much drama! I'm glad you like the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms?)so much. It sounds like you have gotten a lot from it, and contributed a lot to it.

Date: 2016-12-13 09:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
Yes, I should edit to reflect the group's full name.

And, what are re-enactors if not actors and therefor prone to drama!

Date: 2016-12-18 01:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rswndrlst.livejournal.com
:what are re-enactors if not actors and therefor prone to drama:

Haha, this though. I did Ren Faire for a long time and faire folk are quite the dramatic bunch but at the end of the day usually the family sticks together.

I'm sorry about your friend and this is a huge reason I stay away from facebook. I hope she realizes how much she hurt you and I think as another commenter said you are the right person just because you are admitting that you are human and fallible so don't be too hard on yourself and let C have her space.

Fare thee well milady.
Edited Date: 2016-12-18 02:00 am (UTC)

Date: 2016-12-20 02:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
Thank you. I am giving her time and space. When she's ready, I'll be here.

Date: 2016-12-13 06:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baxaphobia.livejournal.com
I hope you can work things through. Stuff happens in families, whether they be chosen or biological. Take the time you need and hopefully all will be well.

Date: 2016-12-13 09:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
That's what I'm focusing on. And, as time is progressing, I'm feeling some resolution to my emotions about it.

Date: 2016-12-15 01:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adoptedwriter.livejournal.com

I've seen way too many fights on social media in my adoption groups. Olitics is making everyone act worse. Sorry this happened to you.

Date: 2016-12-15 11:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
I agree....this election season has been the absolute worst!

Date: 2016-12-15 10:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com
I don't know why I imagined this would all die down after last week, but some people just have a tendency to escalate, especially when they're already being unreasonable.

I'm so sorry she took that route instead of cooling down a little-- I wouldn't have expected it either.

*sigh* More proof that the term "rage quit" exists for a reason. :(

Date: 2016-12-15 11:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
I thought that maybe it would die down too. She hadn't given me any warning about being in such an uncontrolled state.

I have moved farther than I thought I would, when I first wrote this.

Date: 2016-12-16 07:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lostin-thestars.livejournal.com
I had something very similar happen in our D&D group... with me stuck in the middle.

Not pretty,

Hope it all works out

Date: 2016-12-20 02:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
So do I. I've had another member of the Household ask me what happened, and I gave her the truth. I even offered to show her the comment thread and the chat log. I am trying to be open and transparent about it.

From what I was told, she is being less so.

Date: 2016-12-17 12:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dmousey.livejournal.com
That's rough. You got caught in the middle- no use tearing yourself up over it, seems to me she is the one who lost friends. Hug and peace~~~D

Date: 2016-12-20 02:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
Thank you Mousey.

Date: 2016-12-17 08:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] murielle.livejournal.com
First: Very well written and good use of the prompt.

Now: The fact that you have taken this to heart, are asking yourself if, in light of C's behavior, you are the right person to be in charge of your household proves you are the right person. Also, C is an adult and ultimately responsible for her behavior and her decisions.

In time the answers will present themselves, and if they don't, that is also an answer, Grasshopper. (Benevolent smile - and a wink)

Date: 2016-12-20 02:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
First: Thank you very much. I am very much NOT a baseball fan.....so the prompt? Uhh.....yeah....

Now: I appreciate the support and wisdom. I have come further, mentally and emotionally, given time and reflection.
Edited Date: 2016-12-20 02:06 am (UTC)

Date: 2016-12-18 01:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] magazhchi.livejournal.com

Hope time tidy- ups this mess. And please do not question yourself when you aren't at fault. *hugs* The prompt worked well here.


Date: 2016-12-20 02:06 am (UTC)

Date: 2016-12-18 10:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] uselesstinrelic.livejournal.com
That doesn't sound like a comfortable place to be in. When someone you love and trust goes that hard or cuts you off, it's one of the most jarring experiences. I'm sorry for your situation.

As a side note, I appreciated your mentions and explanation of the SCA. I used to go and stayed with an established household. It gave it a context for me, imagining those long time friends and if a sudden rift cropped up in their house.

Date: 2016-12-20 02:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
Thank you. I think, in some ways, it's been hard because we have never been a large Household.....with so many members that you don't get to really *know* everyone. We're very small and intimate.

Date: 2016-12-19 12:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
Oh that sucks :( I treat my FB like my internet living room; if someone were to come to my house and call someone else a "fucking twat" or whatever, I'd handle it a certain way. So, I delete comments every now and then, or warn people, but there's always that mess that happens when one is asleep or out having fun. People can do a lot of damage in a few hours. I hope this all works out for you in the end. You sound like a reasonable and thoughtful person, so don't resign your head status just yet ;)

Date: 2016-12-19 01:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] veritas-st.livejournal.com
I hope it all works out for you. Do you think C would have said this to you in person rather than on FB? I feel some people lash out online and say things without thinking. I hope she can work through her anger, and I hope you dont question your role in the Household because of this. You are obviously a thoughtful person otherwise this wouldn't have been written. xx

Date: 2016-12-20 02:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
I honestly don't think she would have said any of this face to face. I told her, during her ranting at me, that FB, chat, Private Messages are shitty forms of communication....they don't allow for tone or inflection, they don't allow for human interaction. A person reads words on a screen and interprets them how *they* feel it was meant.

And that makes me somewhat angry. She pretty much rejected every attempt to talk....even on the phone, about this.

Date: 2016-12-19 11:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alycewilson.livejournal.com
That sucks. For the record, I agree that she probably was overreacting to that earlier confrontation.

Date: 2016-12-20 02:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
If I could count the number of times *I've* been called a dirty name on the Internet. ::shakes head::

Date: 2016-12-19 11:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mamas-minion.livejournal.com
I like how you approached the post this week. This is a tricky situation to be in. I personally avoid Fb like the plague because of situations like this. I think because you fell like your not the level headed person of the group that proves you are the right person to be the head o the house. Because you care enough to question whether you are right or wrong instead of just assuming your right.

Date: 2016-12-20 02:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
Thank you for the insight.

Date: 2016-12-20 05:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
This election has done a lot of harm to a lot of people. I'm sorry you were unwittingly forced to host some of this drama.

Date: 2016-12-20 07:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] flipflop-diva.livejournal.com
Ughh, I'm really sorry this happened. That's horrible. I hope you aren't too hard on yourself though — it's not your fault how people react (and overreact) to things, and it sounds to me like you did your best.

Date: 2016-12-20 10:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aniron-iorhael.livejournal.com
I really liked this a lot. It flowed easily and there was no part that seemed unnecessary. I hope that things can truly be reconciled. The only thing that sounds unnecessary is the real life argument and the aftermath of it. Hope things get better for you in that regard.
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