When you pray, move your feet

[sorchawench]

His depression caught up with him and he spent most of the weekend away from all of us, wandering around. At one point, he came to me (after drinking a bottle of Chaucer's mead in less than 20 minutes) and he told me all the reasons he didn't want to live anymore.

I knew he was drunk. I knew he was depressed. I knew it was his bi-polar talking. I had heard all of this before. He'd been in a funky mood all day.

I'd tried ignoring it. I'd tried fixing it. I'd tried cajoling him out of it. Nothing worked.

At that point it didn't matter.

I got angry.

I was angry that he had no focus except for that which was negative. I was angry because it seems like every nice comment or loving supportive statement we, his family, make, gets shoved off. I was angry and tired of feeling like my opinion as his lover and mate meant nothing, yet the hurtful words and negative comments were plated in gold and he held them close to his heart.

I was tired of being kicked in the teeth.

At one point he told me that we just didn't know the demon that he was. The monster behind his eyes.

Right. I sleep with him, genius.

After our first conversation he said he was going back to the lodge to sleep it off. Not 5 minutes later Joye and I saw him headed off into the woods again, this time with a blade.

We caught up with him at a little clearing. I asked him where he was going and what he was planning on doing.

Yeah, I was thinking the worst.

I know the point when I lost my temper was when he yelled at me and told me to basically mind my own business.

Fuck you, Stringer. Fuck you six ways from Sunday.

I'll never forget what I said. I took that blade and damn near did the job for him right then and there. I know Joye was worried. She's never seen me screaming mad before. And boy was I ever screaming.

I gave him full blast of all the hurt and frustration and anger that I had held back to keep him from feeling guilty. I told him to go ahead and do it then. If that's what he wanted.

I have jumped through hoops my whole life trying to make people happy and if that would make it better, go for it.

He could only focus on his one hope. That a soul that suffers death by suicide will not be reborn. His worst fear is to come back and deal with the same pain.

Unfortunately I know him better than he does at times. I offered him another theory. I told him, what if we all have our path clearly marked and when it is our time to go, we go....and come back.

How do you know that walking down that hill and doing yourself in isn't part of your plan? That a rebirth wasn't in the cards?

I clearly recall him crying and telling me "Thank you very much! You have just ruined my last hope of some peace!"

Wrong words to say to me at that point.

I actually managed to calmly tell him that after all the supportive comments I had said, and he tossed away, there was no way on this green earth that he could convince me that one comment from me changed his entire belief system.

Remember, I don't matter. What I say means shit in your world.

Then I left him lying there on the path. I left him. With the knife.

I told him to do what he had to do. I had never committed murder before that point, but I was taking my chances.

I turned and walked away. I just....walked away. I didn't make it 10 feet before I was crying. I couldn't believe what I had just done. Every step I took that carried me away from him made my heart sink with the knowledge that I'd just killed my marriage, if not my husband.

Joye trailed behind me, carrying my cloak. We ran into Marida on the way up the path. She also began to follow. Neither one could keep up with me at that point. I was running on anger and fear. And prayer.

Joye turned around and went back to Wes. I knew she wasn't comfortable with my decision. I wasn't comfortable with it myself.

Marida and then Kitty picked up behind me and followed me as I walked and fumed and prayed. Bless them. We talked. They managed to get me calmed down.

Joye stayed with Wes. At some point they both came back to the lodge. I could tell by seeing him, he'd calmed down.

And once he calms down and gets slapped back to reality he is a changed man. When he came back up that hill he was sober.

This is how we fight. One big blast and then it's over. Until the next time.

The weekend went better from that point. We went to the fire together and were with our family. He didn't drink. He stayed with his family in the lodge. No one noticed anything wrong. The mask was back up.

~*~

I recall my time at the bonfire that night.

Framed by flames I stood there. Rain begining to fall in heavy drops.

Each footstep was measured carefully. One log for those gone before, I said. For myself and my friends, near and far. Our loved ones are with us tonight and always. Light and love to you all.

The fire snapped and sparks shot to the cloudy sky as I tossed the log.

One log for a change, I said, holding it high. Grant me the lesson of paitence. Grant me the lesson of peace. Grant me the ability to give support and love. Grant my loved ones the same.

And another wish rode on the smoke.

Comments

[seraaalicious.livejournal.com]

Wow.

HUGS!!!

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: This happened a long time ago. It's just what the prompt made me remember.

[jaipur.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing that. My hubby isn't bipolar but he has many similar qualities to what you describe in yours, and I am glad to know how you deal with it (or not, as the case may be!). ::hug hug hug::

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. This incident happened a long time ago. We've come miles since that day.

[jaipur.livejournal.com]

That's a relief!

[molasses.livejournal.com]

love to you and your home.

i had one of those.
but i left him.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Sometimes we make hard decisions for the betterment of our lives. I'm sure yours was difficult. This incident happened a long time ago to two people who are very different now.

[molasses.livejournal.com]

it's a hard place to be and i am happy to know you got through it together.

strong piece of writing, love.
made me feel for you deeply

[besina-sartor.livejournal.com]

Well written, and I'm not sure that you really had any other choice than to do what you did, I'm bipolar, and when I wasn't treated for it, I'd take emotional hostages left and right. Seriously good writing. :D

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much.

[wrensgirl.livejournal.com]

That is so powerful.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you

[m-malcontent.livejournal.com]

Wow, powerful entry.

[m-malcontent.livejournal.com]

I didn't realize it was non-fiction. I am glad things are better.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Yes, things are much better. We've come miles since then...

[cacophonesque.livejournal.com]

I am glad that things have improved since then. It sounds like it was a horrible time for both of you. Dealing with mental illness can be hard on both sides of the aisle.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

We've had our ups and downs, that's for sure. But it's a commitment of love that keeps me with him.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

Strong stuff - glad to hear your situation is better now.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[barrelofrain.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad things are better now.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Your welcome. I wasn't sure how it was going to be taken.

[rattsu.livejournal.com]

Very powerful, got shivers all down my back. I've dealt with similar frustrations, and how how hard it can be.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[basric.livejournal.com]

I liked it. Wonderfully written.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much,

[lawchicky.livejournal.com]

What a crappy night!! And totally bipolar. My dad is bipolar/manic-depressive. I know it well.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Yeah, bipolar disorder sucks much.

[sweeny-todd.livejournal.com]

ah wow.. there is lots I associate with here - the every comment makes no freaking impact whatsoever. *nods* well written

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thanks

[ecosopher.livejournal.com]

I could really feel the pressure on you here. I hope things have improved.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reading and yes, things have improved leaps and bounds since that day.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

I have dealt with people who are bi polar in both my personal and professional life. It's so hard. Sometimes you just have to let the anger and frustration out. I recently did just that. Then the guilt. But you can't hole it all in for sure. Great entry.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you

[sdaisyk.livejournal.com]

This brought tears to my eyes.
Powerful. Love the last line.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thanks bunches!

[pixiebelle.livejournal.com]

My first ever boyfriend was bi-polar. It was never easy when he was in certain moods, very emotional and traumatic.

You portrayed that through this entry. Well done.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

Holy crap, this brings back memories for me loud and clear (yes, I had not one, but two bipolar exes). I remember the "mask" and asking the Universe for patience...

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Yeah, there's been a lot of asking over the years.

[n3m3sis42.livejournal.com]

It is so frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill and not taking steps to get better. I'm glad things are improved now.

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

It was more a mix of finding the right meds for him to be on. Thanks for reading and commenting!