sorchawench (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sorchawench) wrote2011-11-21 05:10 pm
sorchawench) wrote2011-11-21 05:10 pm
Entry tags:
Inconceivable
It's a hard thing to wrap one's brain around...the knowledge that I am incapable of functioning as an adult in this, most simple of tasks. But there it is, in the harsh light of truth....
I can't do it.
And it's gotten us into a bind. A big one.
I can't pay our mortgage bill. On time. Or at all. I have a mental....block....for all intents and purposes, something in me is terrified of going to the bank and withdrawing the money. I can't fill out the Western Union form. I can't walk up to the teller and send the money to them.
I. Just. Can't.
I have panic attacks just thinking about it. I sit and cry and shake and can't move beyond that point of fear.
I can't set up automatic payments. I have to work up a decent dose of courage just to call them. I cling to my xanax when it's time to dial that number and beg for a way to fix the problem I've gotten us into.
I've tried to explain to my husband that I have this problem, but it's an inconceivable notion to him. I offered up the theory that perhaps I was burned at the stake by mortgage brokers in a past life. I can pay the other bills without much of an issue. Yeah, they may not get paid on the due date, but they get paid. Why I am unable to do this one simple thing is beyond my grasp of knowledge.
I've gotten us into a situation again. I will have to muster up the courage to try and fix it. It will mean tough times and lean wallets for a little bit, but I'm hoping I can get it together.
Hoping.
I can't do it.
And it's gotten us into a bind. A big one.
I can't pay our mortgage bill. On time. Or at all. I have a mental....block....for all intents and purposes, something in me is terrified of going to the bank and withdrawing the money. I can't fill out the Western Union form. I can't walk up to the teller and send the money to them.
I. Just. Can't.
I have panic attacks just thinking about it. I sit and cry and shake and can't move beyond that point of fear.
I can't set up automatic payments. I have to work up a decent dose of courage just to call them. I cling to my xanax when it's time to dial that number and beg for a way to fix the problem I've gotten us into.
I've tried to explain to my husband that I have this problem, but it's an inconceivable notion to him. I offered up the theory that perhaps I was burned at the stake by mortgage brokers in a past life. I can pay the other bills without much of an issue. Yeah, they may not get paid on the due date, but they get paid. Why I am unable to do this one simple thing is beyond my grasp of knowledge.
I've gotten us into a situation again. I will have to muster up the courage to try and fix it. It will mean tough times and lean wallets for a little bit, but I'm hoping I can get it together.
Hoping.
no subject
the main thing that came out of this one is the discovery that I'd rather be "right" about being a failure than feel good. To whit, I put off doing things (and sometimes make poor choices) because I believe I'm a failure already. By ensuring that I am a failure, I'm reinforcing what I already believe.
That is something I'll have to bring up at my next therapy session I suppose.