sorchawench: (Mouse)
[personal profile] sorchawench
The hall is always dark and damp when she runs the gauntlet. She runs in terror, fleeing an unknown danger. Her heart pounding, blood rushing, till all she can hear is the rapid beat of that heart in her ears. If she ever stopped, there would be the steady drip, drip, drip from unseen pipes somewhere above her head.

But she never stops.

Never looks back over her shoulder. She doesn't want to know where the monster is. Never stops running.

Somewhere along the way it changes. Shining in the darkness, silver and cold....the blade is always single edged and sharp.

She'd rather die this way than be taken by the monster that pursues her.

She grasps the blade with one hand and slices at her wrist calmly. There is no pain, she's beyond that point of physical connection. Detached. She can see the red line follow the tip of the blade before it wells up and weeps red tears across pale skin.

~*~

This is the shit my brain comes up with when I am in a depressive cycle.

It is not active suicidal ideation, but the workings of an overwrought thought process. Or so the experts tell me. There is concern for these thoughts, yes. But not the poorly concealed panic that one sees when one tells their Doctor they want to die. And so we sit and talk, change medications perhaps, set goals, make sure support systems are in place, and make future appointments.

Today I had one such appointment. My scheduled 15 minutes went into half an hour. Than passed that mark as we discussed what the best options for me were.

We've decided on a medication change. When you live with depression or another mental illness, your life revolves around medication changes. You take medicine X until it no longer seems to be working for you, and they develop medication Y. You just deal with the side effects.

Today I learned that nausea and vomiting are going to be mine, for up to two weeks possibly.

When your own mind is trying to kill you, you learn to keep running, never stopping. You learn to live with side effects. The other options are too dire.

Date: 2014-11-26 05:28 am (UTC)

Date: 2014-11-27 05:47 pm (UTC)

Date: 2014-11-26 07:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fodschwazzle.livejournal.com
The analogy here is really appropriate to many medicines we're forced to take. Especially if they change us completely. My Grandma probably, had she been coherent at any time I had known her, would also have likened the physical numbness of choosing suicide over death to the deadening effects of medicines over whatever dementia she would have experienced otherwise. Thank you for making me think about these things.

I am nobody, really, but I hope that the things you're going through find a resolution soon--and not the kind that provokes nausea and vomiting as a matter of course.
Edited Date: 2014-11-26 08:00 am (UTC)

Date: 2014-11-27 05:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
I've learned that taking this new med on a full stomach is the best way to go. No sickness for the past 2 days!

Thank you for your kind words.

Date: 2014-11-26 06:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] watching-ships.livejournal.com
I'm glad you have your support system. Wishing you the best.

Date: 2014-11-27 05:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
Thank you very much

Date: 2014-11-26 07:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] i-17bingo.livejournal.com
She'd rather die this way than be taken by the monster that pursues her.

I understand exactly how Never feels. I spent the summer like this. My current medication tweak seems to be working, finally.

Date: 2014-11-27 05:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
I have great hope for this new med that I've started.
Edited Date: 2014-11-27 06:14 pm (UTC)

Date: 2014-11-27 01:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] n3m3sis43.livejournal.com
Depression is hard. Meds are hard. Good luck.

Sorry

Date: 2014-11-27 05:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] n3m3sis43.livejournal.com
Sorry if that came off really short. I have struggled a lot with both depression and getting my meds right over the past 3-4 years and I didn't want to launch on a whole tangent about it. xD

Re: Sorry

Date: 2014-11-27 06:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
I understand completely....it's hard not to devolve into tangents sometimes. Especially when the subject matter hits close to the heart.

True

Date: 2014-11-27 01:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rentausha.livejournal.com
I can identify with that.

Re: True

Date: 2014-11-27 05:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
Sadly. Love you sister.

Re: True

Date: 2014-11-27 06:15 pm (UTC)

Date: 2014-11-28 09:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roina-arwen.livejournal.com
I hope your new meds work, and that you don't have too much nausea from the adjustment period. *hugs*

Date: 2014-11-30 11:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
Unfortunately, it hasn't been working out in my favor. Sick 4 days out of 6 so far. I'll be calling my Doc tomorrow....

Date: 2014-11-30 03:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] suesniffsglue.livejournal.com
Thank you for sharing such an intimate piece. It's beautifully written

Date: 2014-11-30 11:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
Thank you very much

Date: 2014-11-30 07:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alycewilson.livejournal.com
So sorry to hear about what you are going through. I hope the new medication helps.

Date: 2014-11-30 11:05 pm (UTC)

Date: 2014-12-01 02:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hosticle-fifer.livejournal.com
I thought for sure this was going to be a nightmare at first, I'm sorry to hear the truth of the matter. Our brains can do some dark shit to us, can't they? I hope, despite the side effects, that it helps you out.

Date: 2014-12-01 04:19 am (UTC)

Date: 2014-12-02 05:56 pm (UTC)

Date: 2014-12-01 05:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crisp-sobriety.livejournal.com
Yep, been there.

I'm still depressed, but for a year or two now I've been doing well enough to manage without medication. Finding the right meds in the first place, and sticking to them long enough to heal, was an indispensable part of getting here. I hope you have similar success with your new treatment!

Date: 2014-12-02 05:56 pm (UTC)

Date: 2014-12-01 06:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cheshire23.livejournal.com
My spouse uses similar words to yours - "I lead a mostly normal life, except every once in a while my brain tries to kill me." It's sad to watch when it happens but I think we've both gotten better at getting through it.

I hope your change goes well.

Date: 2014-12-02 05:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
Thank you very much

Date: 2014-12-01 07:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com
Depression is so tough, and those repeated (and unwelcome) thought patterns would sure be a challenge to cope with.

It sounds as if you might have a more anxiety-tinged depression, and some medications make that worse and not better. Each patient may react differently, but this kind of knowledge can help.

I'm glad you've found a way to combat the side-effects of your current meds.

Date: 2014-12-02 05:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sorchawench.livejournal.com
I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder....so yeah, anxiety is a part of it.

Date: 2014-12-02 12:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eternal-ot.livejournal.com
*Hugs*..the first part is really well written...and I loved co-relation that followed it..hope things turn better soon.Tc.

Date: 2014-12-02 10:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theun4givables.livejournal.com
*hugs*

Hopefully they find the right meds for you, soon.
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